Feeling a tad better

I am taking one moment at a time, trying to remain calm, trying to remind myself that I am ok, that I am not going to die. I saw my DR and got on new anxiety meds, which seem to help me feel calm and relaxed, as long as I don't let my mind get away from me. Keeping myself busy helps. Avery and Brielle's closets are so clean and organized, lol. It feels good to have that done. I even went in last night just to look at it and admire all of the hard work I did to it. After my DR appt I had an appt with the specialist. I had an hour to kill before that appt though, so I stopped by the cemetary to visit my grandfather's grave. Whenever I am asked who my herois, I always say my grampy. He died in 1999, when my oldest was not even a year old. He died because he was having problems and the hospital gave him coagulants to thicken his blood which caused a stroke. I went to visit him before he died and I was talking to him and crying and even though he couldn't move or talk, I know he was there because he was crying too. I want to make him proud, I want to be like him. He was perfectly fine, always working outside, driving, taking trips... he was a wonderful man. I lived right next to him growing up so I spent a lot of time with him outside, helping him mow lawns, following him around.... He lived life. I went to his grave and cried. I asked him to be with me, give me the strenght to live life like he had. Enjoy everything. This past weekend I was so bad that I was just not functional at all. It helped to talk to him, to get things out, to cry.


So, right now I am keeping myself busy, I am not on the computer too much. I am sorry for all of those who look foward to the Sunday Morning Paper freebie, I just can't do it right now. I take every moment as it comes. I try to breathe better, I don't yell, I don't laugh too hard. I try to remind myself that my body will work the way it is meant to work. My throat is ok and will be ok. I just need some time to get back to being me, to living life like my grandfather did. The computer isn't important. My kids, my husband, my family, and my health are.

Ended up in the ER

So, I ended up in the ER last night. It was PACKED so I was there from 9:00 PM to 2:30 AM! It all started yesturday around 10:30 AM. I started feeling panicky, but not too bad really. I tried and tried all day long to 'get out of my head' but I couldn't. I kept fearing that my throat would close up again no matter what I did. I have post nasal drip I think, and that makes my throat feel icky and itchy and when my throat gets itchy that's when it closes up sometimes and I just couldn't stop fearing that it would. I worked myself right up into a full blown severe panic attack. My chest was so heavy and hurting, I was shaking uncontrollably, I was so terrified and dizzy and my fingers were tingly, and my jaw kept feeling like it was going to lock up. I was scared out of my mind! Brian rushed home from work early and my very awesome wonderful friend Wendy who goes to bed at 8 normally came over and drove me to the ER and stayed with me the whole time. She likes to talk, so she talked the whole time which helped so much because I was able to listen to her silly stories and take my mind off of my fears. There were a lot of tramas coming in, so we had to wait on a stretcher in the hallway, lol. So, they did blood work, throat culture, EKG... and found nothing. I am still going this Monday for the throat test and to see a specialist and I pray that whatver they find is totally and easily fixed, IF they even find anything. The ER doc gave me some zanex to calm me down, and it helped a bit. I also asked him to give me a prescription so I can not end up back in the ER again and he did. I went home, went to bed and this morning I woke up and started panicing again!! I tried to calm myself the best I could. I doubled up my regular anxiety meds this morning and that helped. (DR said it was ok) I drove to get my prescription filled for the zanex and took one of those. I still feel like I could start panicing at any moment. I am so tense that my jaw keeps feeling like it will lock up. My heart is having palpitations. I think maybe that could be because I have a cup of coffee, but it could be anxiety related. I just need to keep telling myself, "These symptoms do NOT mean that I am having a panic attack!" because if I think that I am, I will make myself have one. I just don't know HOW to calm down!! I don't know HOW to stop letting my thoughts be consumed with this fear! I WANT TO BE NORMAL AGAIN!!! I need help NOW! I can't stand another freaking moment like this I feel like I am going crazy and I feel like such a burden to my husband, worthless as a mother when I am like this. If any of you know some great relaxation techniques I would LOVE to hear them. Thanks for reading about my insane crazy stupidness.

Saw the GOOD doctor!

So I had my appt today. She was nice as always. She sat, heard my concerns and explained things to me. She *thinks* that I might have muscles spasms in my esophagus and because of my anxiety I start to have a panic attack and it makes it worse. She is sending me to an ear, nose, and throat specialist and I am also going to go for that barium swallow test. She explained that they will look for much more then just an abstruction when they do the test. She also upped my anxiety meds. I was taking the lowest dose, 5 mg, but now I have 15 mg. I am a little hesitant to jump from 5 to 15, so I think I am going to just double up on the 5's and wean myself into the 15's. The meds make my head fuzzy and snappy for about an hour after I take them even with the 5's so I want to wean into them slowly. They do work though so I am hoping the higher dose will get me back to when I wasn't having any heart palpitations or bad thoughts. I hate them!!
So, in other news, I did some designing today. I made some really cool Zodiac Charms!!
They're only $2.50 for all 12 charms with the 3 different 'hangers'. You can see them HERE!

Well, I am off for now!

Relationship Blah

When you fist met your husband were you in 'lust'? Was it crazy in love, can't be away from each other, can't stop thinking about each other amazingness? I understand that feeling doesn't last. You stop 'putting on a show' with each other after a while. You start showing 'the real you'. He starts to see you without your hair and makeup done. You start to see his dirty socks all over the floor. You stop pretending to be wonderful amazing perfect people and feel comfortable enough with each other to be who you are. I think if you find someone like that it can be great, but it can also suck. To have someone that you love so much that you know they will love you no matter what you look like or what messes you leave out is great. It's just if you get into that 'funk' of either not doing, or not having time to do all of those perfect little things you used to do for each other when you first it can start to suck. When you do actually find the time to make yourself 'beautiful' like you used to and it goes un-noticed or you don't get the reactions you used to. When you go to bed and don't sleep in each others arms all night, or even for the first 2 minutes. When you try to talk about your emotions and instead of being consoled like before, you get eye rolls for your 'overly-emotional-you must be PMS'ing' feelings. Right now I am in this funk. The stress of work, house, bills, kids, has taken over my husband and I can't find a way out. I have tried everything from crying to wearing high heels and a pretty little something something standing there when he got home from work. Nothing works with him. It's like the only time I get attention is if it's Valentines day or something like that. So, I decided to stop trying. I am sick of it. I am sick of being so damn lonely in a house when I shouldn't be. I want to smack him and make him realize that all of these things that he stresses about are nothing compared to family and time with the ones you love because you never know when it will end! I didn't sleep in our bed last night. Not because of any of this though. See, Yesturday I took my 2 youngest kids to the doctor to find out they had Coxackie virus. Yah, you're thinking, "What the HELL is that!? That's what I was thinking too! So, they slept all afternoon which means they were up all night. I was up all night before dealing with sick kids. I didn't get to take a nap on the couch but here I am, up the next night too and where is my husband? Sleeping soundly all by himself in a king sized bed at 9:30 at night. Now granted, most people go to bed around that time but we don't. We always stay up until at LEAST 12:00 so I was not happy with him. He didn't kiss me goodnight. We fought about stuff before he went upstairs. Actully, HE argued with me while I sat there and just listened because everytime I try to talk he gets more mad and I didn't feel like dealing with him since I was so tired. I just rolled my eyes and nodded my head, "Sure hubby, whatever you say." So, I had to sleep in my daughter's room on my step-daughters bunk so the little ones would sleep. There really was no other way that they were going to sleep. So, hubby this morning tells me that he woke up at 3 AM and couldn't go back to sleep because I wasn't in bed. He asked why I wasn't in bed. I know he was thinking I was mad at him and that's why he cared and was giving me his puppy dog eyes, rubbing my hair with his hand. As soon as I informed him that it had nothing to do with him, his puppy dog eyes disappeared, he stopped rubbing my hair, and he didn't seem to care as much. I tried talking about how little sleep I got again, second night in a row but since I wasn't mad at him he didn't care much. Did I get a hug? No. He did kiss me goodbye before he left for work, just a usual routine, not a kiss of meaning really. Stress takes over him. That's all he thinks about or consumes himself with and how dare I bring up these petty relationship problems to him! Oh, and yah, I added to the stress Yesturday too. Driving home from the doctor, I had called hubby from the parking lot to tell him the strange virus his daughters had and didn't hang the phone up before I started driving and got nabbed by a copper and got a freaking ticket for driving while on a cell phone. Freaking unbeleiveable!!! I hardly EVER talk on my phone, no one EVER calls it and the ONLY time I use it is to talk to hubby. I am not one of those people who's phone is always ringing and always in their ear, but I am the one who got a ticket. Yah, Yah, Yah, it doesnt matter, I did something illegal and I except that, it's just MAN!!

3 new products

Just popping in real quick to post about my 3 new products in the store, 1 of which has a 25% off coupon code!!!

1. For the Boys kit


2. Wisteria Dreams kit


Here's a 25% off coupon for this kit, good through the 27th: wisteriadreamsintroprice

3. Notepaper Alpha


That's it for now!

I was allergic to my computer.

I tend to go through periods where I just don't want to be on the computer. I hate everything about it. My lack of designing mojo, the lack of important emails, the lack of interesting threads.... I just don't want to be around it. I get headaches and sick to my stomach. So, for the last week I haven't really been on. My house is pretty darn clean though!! Upstairs is TOTALLY clean and that NEVER happens! My philosophy, no one ever goes up there and sees it except us and it's only when we sleep so it's out of sight, out of mind. Now though, it's all nice. I had help from a friend and from the kids. Our master bathroom is clean. That was a feet since Brian uses it. It's his bathroom and that man is a slob! The room off of our bedroom is clean, our bedroom is clean, even the closets are clean!! The kids rooms are clean and their bathroom is clean, which is my bathroom too. Everything was clean before, just clutterd. There is, to me, a big difference between dirty and cluttered. We are not dirty people, just disorganized cluttered people. Well, not so much anymore after the cleaning rampage that took place. I even folded all of the dreaded laundry and put it away! I hate folding and putting it away. 6 people in this house! It's like doing a job and having to do it again the next day. Never ends! Nudists colonies sound good to me when the laundry piles up. Our washer and drier are in the cellar so it's harder to do laundry. I swear everytime the kids hear the cellar door close and my feet going down the steps they think it's their cue to start war! Someone always ends up screaming and I run up the stairs to see whos dying only to find someone stole someone elses toy. Then go backdown stairs to finish putting the ungrateful little boogers clothes in the washer so they can be nice and clean only to have them dirty them 10 minutes after throwing them on. Argh! I said I hate laundry but hate really isn't a strong enough word.
My birthday was last Friday. I am 29 now. It was an ok birthday. Brian got me a card my mom got me some tiny picture frames and a pretty candle holder and picture book ends. Those are cool. Wasn't a big happy eventful birthday. It was alright though.
Here the next picture of Michelle. She really had to wait a while for her hair to grow back after that buzz cut. This time she's sporting some cool ear rings and 'hair dye'.


I think she needs a new buzz because the paint is stuck in there even though it was washable.
I guess I still am allergic to this computer because I just don't feel like typing anymore. I can't even think what to blog about. I know some funny stuff happened this past week but it's not coming to me. So, bye for now.

60% OFF!!!

Ahhhh Mommy time!!!

First of all I want to thank everyone for their comments and emails. It's really good to know that I am not alone. Alone in the sense of my paranoia, and alone in dealing with these sorts of feelings. I am coping one day at a time and it's feeling much better.
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So, here I sit with a glass of wine having mommy time. Earlier I asked the kids to clean their playroom and that if they did it in 15 minutes I would give them 5 bucks each. Aidan whined and complained that it was impossible. I told him it's not and that I could do it and he should have no problem because there's 4 of them. He said wanna bet? Sure I do! If I clean it in 15 minutes then you guys will go to bed at 8 o'clock. So, I cleaned it and organized it with 2 minutes to spare! He was so mad and upset, saying that he crossed his fingers and it wasn't fair. He let it go though, maybe thinking that if he didn't mention it I would forget or something as sometimes I am known to do that, lol. Well, I didn't forget and I mentioned it to him. It was about 7 o'clock. Then he tells me NO! I am not going to bed at 8, NOT NOT NOT!! Yah, little booger giving me his attitude, lol. So, HE decides to make another bet!! At first I told him no but I was feeling a little bad about sending them to bed that early so I took it. His bet was if he could throw the ball higher than I can then they don't have to go to bed at 8. If I DO throw it higher than him then they go to bed at 7:30. Ok, ok, I will take that bet. I honestly didn't think I would win anyway. So, I let him go first. He throws the ball. It Hit far above Avery's window on the second floor of the house. Ok, my turn. I hit the roof!! I start dancing around shakin' my booty singing the "hee hee I won" song, lol. He says that he gets another chance, kind of like a 2 out of 3 thing so I say OK. He throws it again and he hits pretty high. I threw it again and it goes OVER the roof! More dancing, yah, that's right, I am the man, errr MOM! LOL! So then he tries to convince me if he throws it again he will win even though it would mean I won twice and he won once. I said nope, you bet, you lost. 7:30 it is. (Am I a mean mom? My mother would think so, but I believe I am teaching him a lesson on following through if you make bets) So, he argues with me why he thinks HE won for about 10 minutes then starts getting MAD at me! He stomping around kicking balls in the house telling me I am not fair. He kicked a ball and knocked the DVD's off of the top of the TV and then I had had it. I sent him to bed at 7:20 for his attitude. (Again, and I a mean mom?) So he is yelling at me about how I am an adult and I shouldn't have made a bet with a child about throwing a ball because I am older and can throw higher (but the reason HE made the bet is because he's in baseball and what the heck does mom know about throwing balls right?) So, I really didn't want him to go to bed, he wasn't being BAD or anything (except only because he was upset) it's just that I couldn't make him learn this lesson about betting if I let him stay up you know? He tries to bet money all the time with Avery and sometimes his friends so I needed to make him learn this lesson about if you lose, you lose. It makes sense in my head, you know the logical mommy head. The head that tries the best to teach their kids lessons so they can go out into the real world someday, but the other mommy head, the soft mushy one feels bad. I feel guilt and feel that I am mean and bad. I hate being torn like that, it eats me inside!!
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So, my 1 year Anniversary was last Thursday, August 3rd. Brian had to work so we had planned celebrate after he got home that night at 9:30ish with a nice dinner or something that he brought home from work. I kissed him goodbye on his way to work, he called me on his break to say he loves me like he always does. About 2 hours after he left for work I was outside and I hear the door open and turn around and it's HIM standing there with a bouquet of flowers!!! I was so stunned, surprised and confused, lol. All WEEK he was complaining that they wouldn't let him have the night off but he was lying the whole time! He DID have it off but pretended to go to work and instead went to the store and got flowers, steak and lobster!! (Lobster is my FAV FAV FAV!!) So he won the hubby of the day award, lol.
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Ok, I haven't been designing much lately. I should be because I am selling at so many places I need to keep up, lol. I think I got myself in way over my head! I have been scrapping on the other hand. I am on Melany Violette's CT. Yah, another thing that takes away from designing, lol. I love being on her CT though. She was a HUGE inspiration to me when I was learning to design. I would go and ohh and ahhh at her stuff and try to be like her. We do have a similar style, but I think I have taken on a little of my own now in the past few months. I still love Melany's stuff to pieces though! She's the only CT I will ever be one because I really don't like using other people's stuff in my LO's, but hers I do. I'm weird like that, lol.
So, here are some LO's that I made today!



This is my son's fake smile, lol. He just doesn't take great pics so I don't scrap him much, but I decided to just scrap him in all his 'fake smile' glory anyways!


Credits:
Melany Violette's Cinnamon and Blueberry Pie kit at Simply Clean Digi Scraps.
Background Paper is from Mel's Natural Essentials Paper Pack blog freebie.
Alpha is Corkboard alpha by Jeanelle Paige at PDW.




I never liked that name, tomboy. Everyone always said I was one too, but here I am telling my daughter she is too, lol.


Credits:
Melany Violette's Whimsy kit at Simply Clean Digi Scraps.
Gems are from my Birthstone Gems at Sweet Digi Creations.




I couldn't resist snapping some pics when Brian picked up a book when Brielle said, "Daddy will you read me a book?"


Credits: Melany Violette's Cute as a Button kit at Simply Clean Digi Scraps.


They kind of look crappy because I used HTML to resize them to 400 px instead of the 500 that they were because if i didn't do that then my blog would be all messed up, but you can click on each of them to bring you to my gallery to see them nicer. :D
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So, that's about it for this post. OH!! My new Sunday Morning Paper freebie is up on my site, so go and grab it!! (http://www.sweetdigicreations.com) Ok, THAT'S it! :D

I have to be honest with myself

Before I get honest with myself, I just want to post about my new Fabric Flowers! You can see them HERE.
Ok, don't feel like uploading a stinking pic to blogger because it always takes so freaking long, so you'll have to deal with the link.
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So, now to be honest with myself.
A while back I blogged about being diagnosed with anxiety disorder and OCD. I was on meds (still am) but it seems to be coming back. Not only are the crazy irrational thoughts and fears back, but now it seems I am now paranoid about everything too! I think people are conspiring against me, even hubby, I think people hate me, think I am annoying. Hell, maybe I AM annoying and I just can't see it? Maybe I am NOT being paranoid and all of the little things that just don't add up really ARE something? I have upped my meds, DR. said it was ok to do so, but it ain't helping. I don't know what to do. An hour after I take my meds I am a little 'buzzed' for about 1-2 hours. Not sleepy, just buzzed. I can't take it MORE or I would be a freaking walking zombie!! I can't STOP because what if it gets worse than it is now? I really feel so helpless right now and because of my paranoia I feel alone. Like the whole world is whispering about me behind my back and I hate it. I send emails, don't get responces, I post posts, don't get responces, someone IM's me and says "I guess you are in bed." Even when I am TYPING to them!!! I SWEAR I am losing my freaking MIND! can anyone relate? Is anyone out there? Does anyone care even if you are out there? Here I sit typing this when I am supossed to be hanging out with hubby and watching our shows, but HE is watching freaking boxing!!! He knows I HATE boxing. Tomorrow is our anniversary, 1 year of marriage. He is supossed to work all day long, 9am-10pm. He says he is going to bring something home from work, something nice for us to eat, have a nice late dinner. I think it would be nice. let's hope it happens.
See, now reading this I hope no one thinks this is some big ole freaking pity party because it is not. I am blogging for me, to gt my feelings out and yes, I will be calling the DR and making an appointment because I just can't live like this anymore. i can't stand my own thoughts and my own feelings and my own voices that keep me up laying in bed for 2 hours after I first layed down.
So, that's the end of my post. Hopefully I will have a better tone tomorrow. I hope for me that I do.

I've been busy!!

So, too busy to blog. Blooging to me is like, if I have a free moment and I can gather my thoughts I will sit down and blog. I haven't been able to do that lately though!! Too many things to do, too many things going on inside my head! For the past week it has taken me over an hour every night to fall asleep!! Rediculous!
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So, today is going to be a HOT one! Kim, a fellow NY'er has already scrapped about it today! YIKES!!

Important Message

Excessive heat warning in effect from 10 AM this morning to 8 pm edt Wednesday.
Today

Partly sunny. A chance of showers and thunderstorms this morning. Warmer. More humid with highs in the upper 90s. Southwest winds 10 to 15 mph. Chance of rain 50 percent. Heat Index values up to 112 this afternoon.

112!!! That's CRAZY!!! We won't be going outside at all today let me tell you!! My poor poor hubby is working in this shit! He works at a resturant in a KITCHEN where there is no air conditioning and it's always hotter in the kitchen then outside and I hope he stays hydrated! I am worried about him. :(
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So, new exciting news!! I am now selling at PDW!! YAY!! Here's a link to my stuff there: LINK
Here are some previews of my new stuff:








The Pink Papers are gorgeous!! I have been looking for this shade of pink forever and just decided to make it myself. The papers look wonderful layered on kraft paper! I can't wait to scrap with these things! When I get some freaking time, LOL!
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So, Michelle fans, it's been a while since she had a hair cut. Her hair wasn't growing too well and I didn't know why!! Well, it's because some dummy (me) forgot to put her little rope inside of her water glass and she wasn't getting water!! So, today I think her hair is finally long enough to do something with after that buzz cut, lol. Since it is so hot out today that's what we will be doing, playing hair dresser with Michelle. The kids and I have a funny idea, so I will be back later with a pic, again, if I get some time! Kids have been driving me crazy!!
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Ok, off to change the laundry over. Had to wash my sheets because Jillian's diaper leaked, yuk. That's one of the down sides of co-sleeping. Oh well, I wouldn't have it any other way! :)
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Oops! I forgot to add this little freebie!


Enjoy! Leave me some love please if you take it. We all love to be loved!! :)