Wednesday, August 02, 2006

I have to be honest with myself

Posted by JeanellePaige at 9:23 PM
Before I get honest with myself, I just want to post about my new Fabric Flowers! You can see them HERE.
Ok, don't feel like uploading a stinking pic to blogger because it always takes so freaking long, so you'll have to deal with the link.
.....
So, now to be honest with myself.
A while back I blogged about being diagnosed with anxiety disorder and OCD. I was on meds (still am) but it seems to be coming back. Not only are the crazy irrational thoughts and fears back, but now it seems I am now paranoid about everything too! I think people are conspiring against me, even hubby, I think people hate me, think I am annoying. Hell, maybe I AM annoying and I just can't see it? Maybe I am NOT being paranoid and all of the little things that just don't add up really ARE something? I have upped my meds, DR. said it was ok to do so, but it ain't helping. I don't know what to do. An hour after I take my meds I am a little 'buzzed' for about 1-2 hours. Not sleepy, just buzzed. I can't take it MORE or I would be a freaking walking zombie!! I can't STOP because what if it gets worse than it is now? I really feel so helpless right now and because of my paranoia I feel alone. Like the whole world is whispering about me behind my back and I hate it. I send emails, don't get responces, I post posts, don't get responces, someone IM's me and says "I guess you are in bed." Even when I am TYPING to them!!! I SWEAR I am losing my freaking MIND! can anyone relate? Is anyone out there? Does anyone care even if you are out there? Here I sit typing this when I am supossed to be hanging out with hubby and watching our shows, but HE is watching freaking boxing!!! He knows I HATE boxing. Tomorrow is our anniversary, 1 year of marriage. He is supossed to work all day long, 9am-10pm. He says he is going to bring something home from work, something nice for us to eat, have a nice late dinner. I think it would be nice. let's hope it happens.
See, now reading this I hope no one thinks this is some big ole freaking pity party because it is not. I am blogging for me, to gt my feelings out and yes, I will be calling the DR and making an appointment because I just can't live like this anymore. i can't stand my own thoughts and my own feelings and my own voices that keep me up laying in bed for 2 hours after I first layed down.
So, that's the end of my post. Hopefully I will have a better tone tomorrow. I hope for me that I do.

18 friends stopped by to say...:

HaleyW on 8/02/2006 10:19 PM said...

First - saw the flowers and love them.

Second - I want to send you some big HUGS! I'm so sorry you are struggling with this - I can't imagine the torment. I hope your Dr. has some good ideas to help you get through this.

Finally - Happy Anniversary tomorrow! Congrats on one year!!

Rebecca on 8/03/2006 12:58 AM said...

Not a pity party at all. I know how rotten anxiety can be. The more you want it to go away the more it jumps up in your face. Hopefully your doctor can switch you to something that will work for you.

Happy 1st Aniversary!

Anonymous said...

Just a quick note to say your not alone. The world is a crazy place, its not always easy to figure it out...usually its not easy but it is worthwhile! God has a plan for you and your wonderful talents. Wish I could design such pretty things:)

Ila on 8/03/2006 3:04 AM said...

As a famous politician once said: "I feel your pain". Well it's true, I do. I've suffered with Panic/Anxiety disorder for many years now. I used to get treatment for it, now I just deal with it (the meds actually made it worse - if you can imagine that). Anyway, try some soothing music in the background (it helps, really), then go to the library and READ all you can on it. There have been several studies done in the past several years, their findings might really help you out. Now, concentrate on a nice greeting for hubby when he comes home with treats for dinner. Happy Anniversary, and best wishes!
Ila

Natalie on 8/03/2006 11:44 AM said...

1 - Pretty flowers!
2 - I sent you an email. Too long to write here, lol.
3 - Happy Anniversary!

Scrappieness on 8/03/2006 12:57 PM said...

HI Hon

YOu dont know me, Im just a Digi Groupie :) I just wanted to send you HUGs from afar! I sure understand where you are right now and hope you are able to use your inner strength to get through each day one at a time. Im doing the med change thing at present too... its just a matter of time and things will feel more normal again, (whatever normal is huh;) )

Oh and one note about hubbie.... hehe They are all men,,. DOH.. but that means they are useless in the knowing what you need department! hehe Just gentlytell him how your feelin' a little fragile perhaps and need a little extra lovin. IM sure he'll sacrifice a few minutes of boxing for ya ;) Oh gosh there's so much I could tell you about all this, in fact I wish I could tell you.. Ive been there so many times. Just know you're loved and appreciated even by strangers, now how many people can say that!!

HUGS
Ness In Aus
PS... yep.. your blog and say just what you want to Hon!!

Scrappieness on 8/03/2006 1:14 PM said...

HI Hon

YOu dont know me, Im just a Digi Groupie :) I just wanted to send you HUGs from afar! I sure understand where you are right now and hope you are able to use your inner strength to get through each day one at a time. Im doing the med change thing at present too... its just a matter of time and things will feel more normal again, (whatever normal is huh;) )

Oh and one note about hubbie.... hehe They are all men,,. DOH.. but that means they are useless in the knowing what you need department! hehe Just gentlytell him how your feelin' a little fragile perhaps and need a little extra lovin. IM sure he'll sacrifice a few minutes of boxing for ya ;) Oh gosh there's so much I could tell you about all this, in fact I wish I could tell you.. Ive been there so many times. Just know you're loved and appreciated even by strangers, now how many people can say that!!

HUGS
Ness In Aus
PS... yep.. your blog and say just what you want to Hon!!

Heatherdumas said...

Empathy. That is what I feel for you. I too have anxiety. I have 5 children and my marriage while mostly happy, has had some very rocky patches in the recent past. I get a burning pain when I think about it. I was medicated for 8 months. At first it kept me from flipping out all the time. Then I just became a dull version of me. I stopped the meds and am just dealing now. I feel better about that part. I am more like me. The rest I have to work on. The world still seems a little distant but not so scary. I hope you get well soon. I hope I do too. Life isn't easy. But it is better when you know someone cares. Don't think you are alone. There are lots of us here and we hear you.

Andrea Cox on 8/04/2006 7:07 AM said...

I sooooo know this feeling and just wanted to send you some huge ((HUGS)) Hope the doc can figure out a better treatment plan that works for you!!

I know from your post over at DST that your honey came through for you yesterday for the anniversary and I think that's the coolest thing that he did!! Can he give mine lessons? LOL.

The flowers are just gorgeous that you made, can't wait to play with them :)

Take care hon and vent anytime you need, there's always an ear this way :) ((HUGS))

Margaret said...

Jeanelle,

I hope you are feeling better today. I'm sorry that you are having these terrible feelings! Hopefully the visit to the doc will help. I'm glad you got your feelings out, it's people keeping them bottled up that causes the problem! I'll be praying for you.

Margaret

Angie on 8/05/2006 11:43 AM said...

You aren't alone, Jeanelle. My brain doesn't always "work right" either - that's how I explain it to my kids anyway! On the days when I feel my best I try to write myself "messages" to read on the days I feel bad - you know, to remind myself that there are better days ahead. I hope your better days are just around the corner!

Anonymous said...

Phillipians 4:7-9 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

8Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

9Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

Heather on 8/06/2006 10:48 AM said...

HUGE hugs to you! You are not a freak, this was NOT a pity party. I often feel the same way as you described about posts and IM's. If you ever need to talk, please know there are people here who ARE going to listen to you!

Liz on 8/06/2006 10:52 AM said...

Wow, I hope you are doing okay. I am bipolar and I know what you are going through with the anxiety, but the worst part is the paranoia. I know exactly how you feel, and it's not fun. And I think the worst thing to try to control with meds is anxiety, nothing really works all that great. Anyway, I'm someone who understands and cares, feel better!

Amy's Images on 8/06/2006 4:09 PM said...

Jeanelle, when I read your post in many ways I thought you were talking about me. I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I know from extreme experience how it can feel. I have had Chronic Depression for about 4 years now. 20 different meds, nothing works for me. The pills I have now are just 'masking' the problem, but I have pretty much become immune to those as well. I don't know what will happy, I have a cloud over me that follows me day-to-day telling me to end things and I will feel better... I know I am stronger then this, but it gets more difficult with each passing day. I know this did not give you comfort, put know you are not alone, I know I often think I am alone in this world and only the one who feels this way. Your honesty is really appreciated. Take care of yourself.

Amy

HeatherC said...

I just wanted to say that I am so very sorry that you are going through what you are. I too Know what it is like and it surely is not easy. I have had very bad chronic depression since I was about 7 years old when my mo dies, and no one got me any help for it until I was 14 so needless to say by then I was pretty messed in the head. I too feel paraniod ALL the time I am always afraid of saying the wrong thing and others not liking me. I even feel that way in the message boards I visit sometime. It is hard to get through but just remember you are soooo NOT alone and that you are cared about by many even those of us that my not really know you. Keep you head up as hard as it is to see sometimes you are very loved and cared about and when you feel no one is listing and alone the very most Jesus and the angels are listening and crying for you and praying for your relief. ( I am sorry if the last part offened you I am not trying to push religion it is just something that has brought me comfort)

God Bless
Heather

SteinwaysMom on 8/14/2006 11:44 PM said...

I have had lots of nervous fits of various sorts, esp when I don't take my anti-depressants.

Maybe this story will help. I used to always buy stuff for people at the thrift, do for others etc. Once I felt unappreciated and said: 'I'm sick of this generosity crap - no more' - within 24 hours I was GRIPPED with this horrible anxiety about my life. Then I saw a ferret calendar at the mall that I knew my friend's sister would love. I decided, aw to hell with it I'll get it for her, and the anxiety left IMMEDIATELY. So there's something about focusing on God/others that really seems to counteract the anxiety - also getting feedback and affirmation from others. Hope you feel better!

Honorary Arab on 8/23/2006 1:09 PM said...

Asalamalaykom,

The computer is a surreal world, isn't it? The people are almost like friends. The satisfaction is almost enough. If I spend too much time on it, then I get spiraling into self-doubt and fear.

Go back to what Anonymous posted from the Bible. Hey, I'm Muslim and I still second it! I wrote it down on a post-it note just now to remember. All those things are in nature. God's creation. Not computer generated images. Take a walk and see how effortless those real flowers find the light. Then, you see if you can find the light too. :)

 

..Life.. as I know it. {JPDESIGNS}